5.20.2008

sometimes i let myself think...

..and let myself think so much that i don't know what i am doing, all i know is i am thinking, really deeply...about how depressing life can be sometimes. i really just think that it is just in my personality to get extremely depressed. it happens at least a week every two months or so, and let me tell you, it hurts, a lot. it feels as though my life turns out of focus, and my vision is in a daze, and i just go through my everyday like that, until i tell myself to snap out of it because my life is fantastic, and there is absolutely no reason to be so depressed.

there are reasons though. i don't want to go into detail exactly what those reasons are, but they will haunt me forever i think, until they are fulfilled in my mind, or i have finally put some of my really bad past behind me. sometimes i think that i wish i could have made my life better, made wiser choices, but i always have to tell myself that i can't turn back and fix everything.

yesterday i thought so much while driving to daniels house i felt like i was about to burst into tears (i am extremely emotional). then i wanted him to hurry so i could tell him everything on my mind, but i forgot practically everything i wanted to say and get off of my chest. all i ended up saying was that i can't imagine spending one day without him, and the thought of it makes me want to scream. ha. a little over exaggerated, but i dont think i could do it. it sounds so silly, but i really depend on daniel to help me through my life, i wouldn't be who i am today without him. he really saved me from becoming a nightmare of a human being, i was totally different before he came into my life, i lost my personality, my life, my friends. i felt like i was never supposed to have happiness. i guess that's what gets me so sad sometimes as well, i always talk myself down, and tell myself that daniel shouldn't be with me. i just want to stop all this bursts of sadness.

i dont think i can though. it's just how i have always been. i just try to tell myself to think positively as much as possible. maybe that will work.

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